December 20, 2012

Mixed feelings

Mixed feelings…

Do you love the busy, hustle and bustle before Christmas? The secret gift shopping… the scent of extra yummy cookies greeting you at the front door of your home… the kitschy music in each and every single store you enter? I always loved it. The whole excitement. The anticipation of home, of family and all reunited.
But some things have changed. Have altered my feelings towards this merry holiday in such a  way that I some days wished the day would not come or I could jump some weeks ahead and leave skip it. You see Christmas like no other holiday is about family and being all happily together. But what do you do, if … if families are not together anymore…? If, I dare say it, if they crumble … fall apart. Well then this time of year is probably not your friend. And I want to be real and honest. I have very mixed feelings about Christmas. I love it and I dread it. At.the.same.time.

One of my close childhood friends had lost her mom at the age of sixteen and I remember very well how she told me, that this was always the worst time of the year. When she missed her mamma so much that no cheesy song and no batch of homemade sweets could sooth.

I hear her and I understand her and I try to push aside jealous feelings creeping into my head whenever I see happy-jolly huge family pictures of friends. Because these feelings come. When the other photographers post their family reunion images. I cringe. I´m reminded of the gaping wound in my heart.

I honestly think there are more people out there with me and my childhood friend who feel weird or lonely or lonely weird during this season. I wrote this post also for you. I mean I wrote if for me at foremost. ;-) But I wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I hoped I never had to face that challenge. But this year, more than the previous years I will challenge myself to take my refuge in something bigger than our family or circle of friends or the Christmas season. Which is Christ himself.

Christ as my home and my place to be whole. A place to heal and to forgive. This is hard. I know. And it truly sucks at times. But I try. Every day. Somedays are really easy, others are horribly out of place. But we all have these.

I encourage you and myself to seek beautiful things that comfort you! The week my grandfather had died this summer I watched Love and other disasters every night a whole week. This may sound really strange but it helped to go to sleep at night.

And for now?

I will put my focus on the higher purpose of the festivities up ahead, which is to remember the birth of my savior. To dive into gratefulness. Invite a whole lot of friends to come over to my parent's house. Sleep under the Christmas tree with our foster kiddo. Put on cheesy Christmas records and dance in the living room ~ because I still LOVE it. And then I will visit my Granny and give her an extra long hug. 

I wish you a very wonderful week!

~   Saltuiiiii.   ~

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